Abuse Me
by SyrenHug
Summary: "If you look the right way, you can see the whole world is a garden." Akutsu/ Ryoma. Their relationship in a hundred themes.
1. Chapter 1

I'm back.

And things are going to so be updated now. God, I have too much stuff going on. The next chapter of Centered will be up and I'm almost finished with Being Buried Dead and Drowned Alive.

And then lots of other things. I hope you enjoy this.

Warnings: Language. Like a lot. Sex details. Mentions of Mpreg but you can stomach it because it's not a lot.

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_"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." _

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1 Breaking Away

He didn't care. He'd spun and wove his life into a web tight with lies and _I'm just having fun._ That was his excuse. He was young and he was broken. The two made for a dangerous combination.

But he missed it. The banter. The smell of eggs burning in the kitchen. How everything was so imperfect that it didn't seem to matter how many mistakes they made as long as they made it together. But that was the problem. They weren't together.

Ryoma didn't know how to fix it.

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2 Stars

"Wishing on a star, kid?"

He tilted his chin down from his view if the sky. It was late. He hadn't expected anyone to be at the park. Especially, not Akutsu. He shrugged and turned away. Wasn't up for conversation.

Akutsu sat down on the bench, close enough that Ryoma was overwhelmed with the scent of him. They sat there for awhile. Finally, he said quietly, "There isn't much to wish for."

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3 Do Not Disturb

Akutsu's tongue went lower, mapping his boyfriend's skin out until all he could taste was sweat and cola. Ryoma was panting, gasping and he smirked because there was a guarantee for great sex when he got like this.

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4 Happiness

There were days were they didn't do things. Just sat on the bed and listened to the world whirl by in a dizzy haze of moving. Sometimes Ryoma would hum and Akutsu would grumble at him to shut up but then fall asleep to the gentle melody.

He'd wake up, in the middle of the night or the middle of the morning and turn to see an arm around his stomach. It was soft, but the more he was ready to listen, the more he heard. A rhythmic chime. And he'd tease Ryoma about when he'd wake up, but, secretly he thought it was fine.

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5 Words

"Oh my God. Your hair is white." Ryoma slurred, fingering his light strands then doubling over in laughter. Akutsu shook his head. He was such a bad influence. But it wasn't his fault that kid was such a brat and decided to drink with him.

He stood up and threw the kid over his back. There was a noise of protest that tired into a contented moan when the body hit the bed.

"Aren't your parents going to be worried?" He had to ask. Not that he cared, but it probably mattered.

"No." Ryoma snickered. Then he was facing Akutsu and he was smiling so awfully it was practically a frown.

"I'm alone."

Akutsu winced because the words were imprinted into the space of his room and for a second they had to deal with the fact that Ryoma had admitted something that he would never say if he was thinking straight. He swallowed and tried to say something that would make this better but-

"I'm alone."

He grabbed Ryoma's hand. His hand was shaking but he shoved Akutsu away. Like he always did. "Hey, yo-"

But the kid was already gone.

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6 Heal

Ryoma was put together so brokenly. It was like someone had dropped him on the floor but didn't want to take the responsibility of the accident so they patched him up with tape and bandages. The cracks weren't easily seen but if you looked close enough, you could watch the hobble toward staying upright and tumbling down.

Akutsu didn't want to fix. He wasn't a healer, that kind of person. All he could do was be around. All he could give was his rough hands, rough everything. But Ryoma didn't seem to mind. Maybe he knew that someone couldn't magically put him back together. Maybe he knew that had to remake himself.

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7 Dream

Akutsu woke up to heavy breathing.

Ryoma was lying on his back next to him, hands resting gingerly on his rounded stomach. But he was thrashing. There were glistening diamonds leaking out of the corner of his eyes. Even like this he was too pretty. And the pregnancy hadn't done anything to help that.

He bent his fingers under his boyfriend's eyelashes. The tears caught unto them like a net. He said, "Ryoma, wake up."

It worked. It usually did when the dreams were bad, which seemed to happen more and more often. The moving stopped. The morning hazel of Ryoma's eyes were unclear. His voice was soft and scared.

"Jin?"

"You were having a nightmare."

"Oh," Ryoma swallowed. And stated, probably because he knew Akutsu was going to ask, "You died."

He felt a pang somewhere. The fact that his death was enough to warrant Ryoma actual distress was insane. But he held the kid closer and appreciated it.

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8 Drink

"I don't like you hanging around him so much."

Ryoma rolled his eyes from the passenger's seat. "We're friends."

"Don't roll your eyes at me, kid." Akutsu scowled at him, making a particularly rough turn into his neighborhood. It was a little later then he would have liked to be out driving. But Ryoma had gotten drunk again. At a place that wasn't his place. He made a noise of displeasure. At Atobe's place.

"I'd like to do a lot of things at you."

He shot Ryoma a look. The kid got shameless when he got alcohol in his system.

"Want to try that again?"

Ryoma leaned forward and whispered something he didn't catch into his ear, nibbling at it faintly. He could smell the gin and sweat pouring off his skin and Akutsu almost snuck a taste. But he was still driving and the other participate was still half drunk. He pulled into the parking lot of his apartment complex, dragging a touchy Ryoma in behind him.

He raised an eyebrow when his lips were assaulted as soon as they entered his place. He tightened his grip on Ryoma's waist while pushing him away. "So you want to add being sore to having a fucking hangover?"

"Is that a promise?" Ryoma leered, laying his fingers over the seam of his pants. Akutsu debated for a minute but he decided to screw it and he shoved the brat against the wall.

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9 Blood

It was disconcerting how often they teetered on the edge of it. Abuse. It was a mocking thing.

Ryoma tended to lash out. He scratched, clawed, bit, kicked, and shoved. He wasn't afraid to hurt Akutsu because the man gave it right back. Some weeks they'd have to stop being around each other for days, nursing their injuries. Trying to calm themselves down.

They didn't talk about it. Neither one really wanted to. They both had so much pent up anger inside them that they couldn't help it when it bubbled over. Usually, over something that slipped out. Though sometimes he said shit on purpose, just to get his boyfriend riled up.

Ryoma knew that Akutsu would never _hurt him_ hurt him. There was a line. It wasn't very long or thick and they crossed it all the time with an utter lack of regard for anything, but, at least they knew where it was. At least they knew there was one.

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10 Obsession

He approved of sex.

Like a lot.

Akutsu turned the music on as high as it could go and touched him. He wasn't the kind of person to take it slow, to take his time. But he did like to make him beg. And he did.

Because when his boyfriend was sucking the tip of his cock into his mouth while dancing his fingers across Ryoma's thighs, humming along to some of the songs in a mockery of his habit of doing the same in his sleep, he was way too fucking gone to feel ashamed about anything.


	2. Intensity

Here's another ten.

Warnings: Language. Like a lot. Mentions of Mpreg but you can do it. It's a plot point.

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_"I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. "_

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11 Fortitude

But, at the same time, Akutsu didn't want to do it again. He didn't want to damage Ryoma. He didn't know why. He'd never really cared about anyone before. It was just there and he figured it was dumb to act like it wasn't.

So when they had sex or talked or fought or fucked up he reminded himself that everything they had was delicate like china but determined like the way they used to play tennis. He teased while he yelled, kissed when it was late and he'd just gotten home from his terrible job and was meaner then usual because all he wanted to do was sleep.

And if Ryoma had to break, they would just have to do it together. He could be strong enough for the both of them.

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12 Night

Akutsu turned to Ryoma who was staring at some candy with intent. His mouth twitched. "If you want it just pick it up."

"I don't." Ryoma turned away from it, giving him a look that told him that he didn't appreciate being his source of entertainment. It wasn't like he could look forward to anything else. They were in a store, at an awkward time at night, without anyone else around. He smirked suddenly.

"No." His boyfriend said when he saw his face, scratching him on the arm with his wolverine claws. Akutsu hissed.

"Do that again. I dare you."

"I'm not fucking you in a store. You can have fun with yourself. I'll just be here with the chocolate."

"Go get some condoms."

"I'm not-" Ryoma's eyes narrowed at his glare. Then he was rounding the corner to the next aisle with an angry, "I hope someone murders you."

He snorted, reaching for some other things they needed. Bread, milk, peanut butter but not jelly because jelly tasted like shit. Unexpectedly, he heard a muffled squeak and Ryoma was shooting toward him like there were fangirls after him.

He glanced back over to the figure nuzzling their face in his shoulder, partly amused and partly annoyed. "What are you doing?"

"Buchou. Fuji. Condoms. Kissing. They're paying for my therapy."

Akutsu laughed.

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13 Dying

Ryoma didn't go to the funeral. He stumbled into the cemetery an hour late with wet hair and shaking fingers. It was so strange. Because even though it was so obvious that his daughter was gone, he was the one who felt like he'd been buried underground.

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14 Love

Love. Noun. Two syllables.

Some people stretched it a mile long. _I love you_. Some people shortened to the length of a toe. _Love ya_.

He couldn't really describe what love felt like, personally. In a way it was like falling asleep. Sometimes it was hard and you had to work at it, turn your brain off. And then sometimes you didn't need to. Sometimes everything was easy and comfortable and safe.

But some people, Ryoma knew, were insomniacs.

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15 Cat

"What. Is. That?"

Ryoma stroked the white-grey purring animal on in his lap. His was voice unfailingly patronizing. _Definitely _way too much time with that asshat Atobe. "Really, Jin, I thought even you could recognize a cat."

"No. We are not keeping that stupid thing in my apartment. Unless, it gets a job and starts paying some bills-"

"You're awfully thick today. Animal's can't work."

He didn't appreciate the knocks on his level of intelligence. Akutsu didn't feel like he was missing much at university, but that didn't mean it wasn't a sore spot for him that he couldn't go.

He pointed at the demon creature. "If he messes this place up in any way I'll leave him on the side of the road somewhere."

Ryoma's sun of self-satisfaction radiated to the earth's inner layer.

* * *

16 Smile

Ryoma had lost his smile. Akutsu wasn't exactly sure when he started to notice the loss of it. But where there used to be rare moments of that flash of teeth or that dimple burrowed in his left cheek, there was only that painful sort of trying

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17 Breathe again

Ryoma was trying. He was trying to speak other words besides how much it hurt; he was trying to redo everything. He was trying to laugh, dance, play, love, cry, smile, and breathe differently. He wanted to do it better then he'd ever done it before.

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18 Silence

It was silent in the room when she was born.

So he's afraid of that whisper quiet now.

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19 Illusion

He doesn't dwell on it often because it's stupid and he's in no way an insecure person, but he doesn't always believe that Ryoma isn't some illusion conjured from his mind.

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20 Sport

They both loved tennis. But it was the sort of thing they couldn't muster up the passion for anymore. It became just a game and they lost that spark when they stepped into the competition of the world.

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I am almost done with fourty. Meow.


	3. Childhood

Warnings: I really don't know. Oh. Mentions of Mpreg. You'll be okay. Suicide.

Note: Ryoma is 17 turning 18 and Jin 19 then 20.

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_"For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be." _

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21 Abandoned

Ryoma shook his head. All his old team mates were in front of him, having lunch at a table in the back. Momo had accidently waved him over. And he was so furious at this display, this reunion that he hadn't even been informed of, that he marched toward them.

Everyone had gone quiet. Then Momo piped up with his idiotic confusion. "Why is no one saying anything?"

"Oh, you want to know why?" Ryoma put his fingers at the edge of the table. "Well, I was pregnant. No one contacted me. Then my child died and no one contacted me. Here's another shocker; you guys are having a get together and _no one_ contacted me."

Eiji smiled at him weakly, his eyes softening. "Oh, Ochibi. We just didn't know what to say."

"You didn't have to say anything. All you had to do was be there."

He looked at Tezuka whose head was down and Inui who was staring at the table rather fixedly. These were people he'd known for years. Even when Fuji and all his older friend's had drifted off to university they'd never failed to call him or write or let him know they still cared. Ryoma wondered about the kind of people they'd all become.

"It doesn't matter." He muttered to them and maybe himself, and left.

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22 Hold My Hand

"Hold my hand."

Ryoma turned his head to the side, surprised at the idea. His boyfriend did not hold hands. Something about it being the stupidest fucking concept of romance he'd ever heard of. But he stretched his fingers over and held the offered hand tightly.

"Do you think she knows we're here?"

It was a ridiculous question, he realized. But Akutsu shrugged. "Maybe she does."

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23 Water

He didn't even remember when it was. But Ryoma was in the kitchen mocking Akutsu's cooking (which wasn't even half as bad as the little shit made it out to be) and he flipped the sink on and purposely splashed Ryoma with a handful of water.

He snickered at the you-totally-didn't-just-do-that expression on the kid's face. Water ran down his forehead, dripping over his open mouth. His face scrunched up and then he reached over silently to a bottle on the table in front of him and dumped water all over Akutsu's clothes. He grunted in resignation.

Ryoma tilted his head. "Yeah, you really do look better wet."

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24 Family

His mother and father moved back to America when he turned eighteen. He'd tried to play it off like it hadn't bothered him but it did. He was alone. And he'd never noticed how much he needed people to strive off those particularly shadows before they were gone.

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25 Childhood

Akutsu's childhood was what it was. He'd only had his mother around and she was packed in so tightly. Nothing went in, nothing came out. In some ways he'd admired it but what kind of life was that? Sealing yourself off from ever getting hurt, yeah, but also sealing yourself off from ever being okay.

Then when he was thirteen he'd found her lying on the couch with a spill of pills on the floor with her arm dangling by the couch. He'd realized he didn't want to be that. He didn't want to be her. Because in the end it hadn't gotten her anywhere but dead.

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26 Fairy Tale

Ryoma whispered, "Tell me a story."

When he was younger he would have scoffed or rolled his eyes. Said something harsh and unnecessary. But he didn't have to be that person anymore. He could be a little too soft, supremely compliant. He could tell Ryoma a story. So he did.

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27 Flowers

They stared at the flowers over the tomb. The words etched in stone were, _"Here lies Aki Echizen-Akutsu. Daughter."_

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28 Eyes

Sometimes when Akutsu would look at him all he could make out was the anger. He'd push away; find other places to be so he wouldn't have to see.

But because of that he never noticed how those eyes would soften.

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29 Magic

They told you love was magic. It could do anything, be anything. If you had it beside you there would be nothing to worry over.

But in the end love was just love. It didn't mean it wasn't important, worthwhile. It just wasn't all compassing. It didn't keep you moving when you weren't sure you were going to make it. It didn't help the numbness, the blankness of a bad day that you had belived what going to be a great day.

Because that was hoping. Pushing you along until all you could do was work through it. Telling you to be stronger the next day, find something in tomorrow. Hope, Ryoma found out, was magic.

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30 Under The Rain

Akutsu watched Ryoma's expression as he dragged him out into the rain. The kid opened his mouth, most likely to ask him in an overly condescending tone why they were outside when it was pouring, and he kissed him.

Kissing Ryoma was always good. But sometimes when he could feel their hearts hammering nails into each other's chests, when he could taste nothing but sweetness and _himself _in Ryoma's mouth, it could be great.

He pulled back when the kid moaned. His hair was drenched, eyelashes dark and thick. Akutsu looked up at the sky at the same time Ryoma did. His voice was smug. "You always did say I looked good wet."

Ryoma rolled his eyes.

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I think the last one came from It's Raining Colds. xD


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